Last year I did an April Fools joke on the blog that worked rather well. This year I’ve come to the conclusion that recent events have made it completely impossible to come up with anything remotely stupid enough to be believable.
The word ‘snodchortle’ doesn’t actually exist. In fact I’ve no idea why I mentioned it really. I just invented it to see how long it is before it turns up in Google search results with a link at the top which says “Buy snodchortle on ebay now.”
snodchortle is now on Google, but hasn't made it onto Bing yet....
Years ago I did this blog post along the lines of "If you aren't finding shelfish particularly relaxing you may have bought the 'Little Book of Clam' by mistake." Every since then I've been tickled by the way you can swap two letters round and get a lovely, absurd, result. Then, in the Programming 2 Lecture today one of the students had a "Keep Calm and Carry On" T-Shirt, and I knew how I was going to spend my lunch hour......
Today I had three great ideas for Tweets in quick succession. I’m so pleased with them that I’m going to put them in the blog so that they don’t get lost. And no, I’m not sorry.
“Argos are having an "up to half price sale". Working out what this means is really hurting my head.”
“I was going to buy an e-reader but I think I'll wait until you can get ones that do the whole alphabet.”
“I'm going to make a stage out of empty, lid-less, ketchup bottles. It will be an Open Sauce Platform...”
..and here’s a bonus new one
“I’ve written a program that plots the location of every seat I’ve ever used. I call it my Sat Nav”
Normally when I spend time washing the cars I come up with answers to questions and solutions to problems and stuff. Today all I thought of was:
Nobody ever plays that record from The Ronettes about the man that puts the cables away after a gig. It was called "The Packer of the Leads"
This made a good tweet (at least I thought so), but is absolutely no use for anything else.
I’ve been working on some film ideas:
The year is 2054. Brunettes have taken power. Anyone daring to be different is ruthlessly hunted down by the state. This is the story of a band of freedom fighters who, armed only with hair colouring and bleach, take a stand against oppression. Working title: “Illegally Blonde”
In a world where outrageous has become the normal, this film tells the story of one man’s fight for the right to be boring. Working title: “Legally Bland”.
This hard hitting documentary tells the story of the only officially licenced, Ian Fleming approved 007 impersonator. Working title: “Legally Bond”.
A bunch of burgers and sausages tell stories about each other while cooking. Provisional title: “Gossip Grill”.
I've spent the entire day marking First Year exams. It does funny things to your brain. Next time I'm in charge of an exam I'm going to make sure that one of us turns up dressed as a Red Indian, one of us as a construction worker, one as a motorcycle cop, one as a cowboy and so on. When we are asked what we are doing I'll just say...
"Oh, we're the Invigilation People"
I've decided to make a film about Barbie's Butler. It is going to be called "Valet of the Dolls".....
Do trumpet playing courses have tootorials?
I was watching the Olympic opening ceremony last week when I believe I uncovered a great truth. If I suddenly vanish after this post, and it is mysteriously erased (well, you won't be able to read it, but anyway) then you will know that I have uncovered one of the greatest secrets of the age.
I think the Olympics is actually secretly run by the Walt Disney corporation. Consider the facts:
Olympic rings, or Mickey Mouse Ears?
Similar handwriting, eh?
Just think of it. All that TV time, advertising, merchandising, how can they not be doing it. I think the whole thing is actually being filmed in a big warehouse in Florida, with Pixar doing the animation for the outside shots. Every night a team of crack scriptwriters gets together and decides who wins each medal. It makes perfect sense. I just hope they are going to use the same approach for 2012.
Whilst looking in the fridge for my ration of strawberry flavoured milk I noticed that we had some "Thousand Island Dressing" in there. I started to wonder (always a bad thing) how the name came about:
Marketing Drone 1: "We've got this new pink stuff that you can put on salads"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. Is it anything to do with the sea?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nope"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. Ships?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nope"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. Landfall?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nope"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. How about 'Island Dressing'?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nah. Not impactfull enough."
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. How about 'Hundred Island Dressing'?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nah. Too small fry."
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. How about 'Million Island Dressing'?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Now you're just taking the piss."
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. 'Thousand Island Dressing' it is then."
Actually it turns out that it was named by actress Mary Irwin, at a posh dinner party in a hotel. But I guess you already know that.
Sainsburys were doing strawberry flavoured milk on offer at 2 litres for 2 pounds. This represents a saving of 36 pence and means that I now have two bottles in the fridge.
Life is good.
In the UK strawberry flavoured milk and petrol cost exactly the same per litre. But I know which tastes better.
These names were not dreamed up in a Staff Meeting. Oh no. I spent the entire time paying careful attention and making copious notes.
The Ford Caveat: "The car with the hidden surprise"
The Fiat Scenario: "The car that sounds like a great idea"
The Renault Gravitas: "For the driver who wants to boost their presence"
The Seat Ulterior: "You'll never really know why it just did that"
Do fed-up radio operators talk with each other using Morose Code?