Sorry about this

Keep Clam and Carry On copy

A Grate Day for Wit


Today I had three great ideas for Tweets in quick succession. I’m so pleased with them that I’m going to put them in the blog so that they don’t get lost. And no, I’m not sorry.

“Argos are having an "up to half price sale". Working out what this means is really hurting my head.”

“I was going to buy an e-reader but I think I'll wait until you can get ones that do the whole alphabet.”

“I'm going to make a stage out of empty, lid-less, ketchup bottles. It will be an Open Sauce Platform...”

..and here’s a bonus new one

“I’ve written a program that plots the location of every seat I’ve ever used. I call it my Sat Nav”

Film Ideas

Berlin Trees

I’ve been working on some film ideas:

The year is 2054. Brunettes have taken power. Anyone daring to be different is ruthlessly hunted down by the state. This is the story of a band of freedom fighters who, armed only with hair colouring and bleach, take a stand against oppression.  Working title: “Illegally Blonde”

In a world where outrageous has become the normal, this film tells the story of one man’s fight for the right to be boring. Working title: “Legally Bland”.

This hard hitting documentary tells the story of the only officially licenced, Ian Fleming approved 007 impersonator. Working title: “Legally Bond”.

Olympic Secret

I was watching the Olympic opening ceremony last week when I believe I uncovered a great truth. If I suddenly vanish after this post, and it is mysteriously erased (well, you won't be able to read it, but anyway) then you will know that I have uncovered one of the greatest secrets of the age.

I think the Olympics is actually secretly run by the Walt Disney corporation. Consider the facts:


Olympic rings, or Mickey Mouse Ears?


Similar handwriting, eh?

Just think of it. All that TV time, advertising, merchandising, how can they not be doing it. I think the whole thing is actually being filmed in a big warehouse in Florida, with Pixar doing the animation for the outside shots. Every night a team of crack scriptwriters gets together and decides who wins each medal. It makes perfect sense. I just hope they are going to use the same approach for 2012.

Profound Question

Whilst looking in the fridge for my ration of strawberry flavoured milk I noticed that we had some "Thousand Island Dressing" in there. I started to wonder (always a bad thing) how the name came about:

Marketing Drone 1: "We've got this new pink stuff that you can put on salads"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. Is it anything to do with the sea?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nope"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. Ships?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nope"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. Landfall?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nope"
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. How about 'Island Dressing'?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nah. Not impactfull enough."
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. How about 'Hundred Island Dressing'?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Nah. Too small fry."
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. How about 'Million Island Dressing'?"
Marketing Drone 1: "Now you're just taking the piss."
Marketing Drone 2: "OK. 'Thousand Island Dressing' it is then."

Actually it turns out that it was named by actress Mary Irwin, at a posh dinner party in a hotel. But I guess you already know that.

Cars that never made it

These names were not dreamed up in a Staff Meeting. Oh no. I spent the entire time paying careful attention and making copious notes.

The Ford Caveat: "The car with the hidden surprise"

The Fiat Scenario: "The car that sounds like a great idea"

The Renault Gravitas: "For the driver who wants to boost their presence"

The Seat Ulterior: "You'll never really know why it just did that"